Brian for President, 2020

The Ocean "unsure" of an Obama Presidency

2008-11-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

In the Boston Globe today stories of "Massive, Mysterious Waves" at a Marine Harbor give the first indication of how The Oceans will vote in this year's election.

An excerpt from the story reads:

"Dockworker Marcy Ingall saw a giant wave in the distance last Tuesday afternoon and stopped in her tracks. It was an hour before low tide in Maine's Boothbay Harbor, yet without warning, the muddy harbor floor suddenly filled with rushing, swirling water.

In 15 minutes, the water rose 12 feet, then receded. And then it happened again. It occurred three times, she said, each time ripping apart docks and splitting wooden pilings.

"It was bizarre," said Ingall, a lifelong resident of the area. "Everybody was like, 'Oh my God, is this the end?' " It was not the apocalypse, but it was a rare phenomenon, one that has baffled researchers. The National Weather Service said ocean levels rapidly rose in Boothbay, Southport, and Bristol in a matter of minutes around 3 p.m. on Oct. 28 to the surprise of ocean watchers. Exactly what caused the rogue waves remains unknown."

Until now.

We have finally heard from the Ocean that caused the wave. This communication not only provides an explanation to the mysterious, massive waves, but it is the first time this monstrous body of water has made its views known on the presidential race.

"I just couldn't remain silent any longer." the Ocean said to reporters, "This close to election day, I had to let my voice be heard, and massive, mysterious waves seemed to be the only way to do that."

When pushed for more details the Ocean replied, "Obama has been talking about me one way in some places and another way in others. What is the truth Senator? Are you going to protect me, or as you said in your nomination speech 'cause the rise of the Ocean to slow'? How can I trust you and your changing policies?"

Political analysts from both campaigns have often contemplated whether Obama's plan for a recession of the Ocean and it's power would have an negative impact on Obama's image "amongst the face of the waters", but no one expected such vocal opposition.

"The American dream is to grow and be successful, not to have my resources taken from me just because I'm bigger than some people want me to be." The Ocean continued.

The Obama campaign's official statement is that, though his official policy is to take the Ocean into a recession, he will also spend more money cleaning oil spills.

The Ocean made no further comments aside from wrecking 3 other docks with "freak waves" and swallowing several yachts that sported Obama stickers.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Colin Powell FINALLY makes up his mind; Endorses Obama

2008-10-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

Two weeks before election day, Colin Powell has finally decided who he is going to vote for according to the AP. General Powell has been lauded as one of the premier statesman of our generation, but now he is taking heat for what analysts and historians are saying may be the "slowest decision ever made in his professional life".

While polls show that there are a number of undecided voters, experts were shocked to hear that General Powell fell into this category for so long, since the undecided voter demographic consists almost exclusively of ignoramuses and intellectual dimwits.

John Harkner, a professor at UCLA had a common reaction when he heard the news, exclaiming, "This election started earlier, and has been publicized more than any Presidential election to date... what took him so long to make up his mind? I know none of us are getting younger, but this is embarrassing."

The news of Powell's ultra-slow answer to a two-option multiple choice question did seem to give hope to the remaining undecided voters that were asked to comment.

Abe, an undecided voter from Deluth told a reporter in response to General Powell's decision: "Who's Colin Powell?"

After the reporter tried at length to describe the former secretary of state to Abe, he finally resorted to the description "he's black, too" to which Abe replied, "What do you mean black 'too', black like who else?"

Rick, a decided voter and Obama supporter from Spokane, WA, responded to Powell's procrastination by saying, "It took him that long? The difference between the candidates is night and day. How long do you need to decide?"

Rick was not available for further comment as he was immediately arrested by local police for a hate crime due to his use of the term "night and day".

Colin Powell himself responded to questions as to the tardiness of his decision by saying, "I'd like to wait until after the election to vote for whoever wins the presidential race, but then my vote would not be counted. Also, Sarah Palin is the devil."

This story is extremely relavant to my campaign. The mentality of undecided voters has become one of my major studies, as very, very, very early polling shows that (apart from readers of this blog) 100% of registered voters remain undecided for the presidential election for 2020. Do not be one of those 100%.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Is Barrack Obama Really an Empty Suit?

2008-10-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

On the eve of both Halloween and the 2008 Presidential election, no question is more relevant.

“We don’t know anything about him." “He doesn’t have any experience.” “He’s an empty suit.”

We’ve all heard these comments aimed at Presidential Candidate Barrack Obama (candidate in 2008, not to be confused with my 2020 race).

However, I am taking repose from my year long hiatus on the campaign trail for President in 2020 to clear this up once and for all:

Is Barrack Obama an empty suit? Absolutely not.

Every time you see a Barrack Obama suit it is definitely full, and it is usually filled with an idiot.

Stop screaming at me, I am not saying Barrack Obama is an idiot. No, no. The suit is well designed, repeals every political attack, has a slimming effect, and almost makes you African-American.

Just listen to these testimonials:

“From the moment I put on my Barrack Obama suit, it was like I was new person. It just took all the values that I already had and made them Politically Correct. I feel so good that I haven’t been to work in 6 weeks!”
Jan Addison, Tennessee

“It’s great because if you’re conservative or a liberal or whatever, it doesn’t really matter. He’s one size fits all.”
Jacob Taffy, Portland, OR

“We can, like, turn back the tide of global warming, just by, like, wearing it, ya know?”
Tracy Peterson and Ginnie Besdale, California

There have been suits like this before. Most recently in the film adaptation of Ironman where Robert Downey, Jr. wore a suit that allowed him to fly, fire weapons, and made him impervious to most attacks. However, experts agree that in a hand to hand combat the Obama suit would easily come out victorious over the Iron Man suit and most suits with superpowers from the recent past.

As one anonymous expert stated, “The Ironman suit is essentially one man…in a suit. The Barrack Obama suit, however, can be anyone and everyone no matter what your positions are. Ironman’s neighbor could be wearing an Obama suit and he wouldn’t even know it until he was called a racist. I really like Ironman and all, but there’s no contest.”

Surprisingly, children between the ages of 3 and 13 are the one demographic still flocking to Ironman suits for Halloween in spite of expert opinion. The most recent data shows that, 26 to 1, children favor dressing up as Ironman as opposed to Obama for trick or treating. Most children, when asked, attribute their decision to the fact that Ironman is flying when they see him on TV and Obama is usually just talking to old people or looking like a “dork” in a hard hat, walking in slow motion. Apparently it takes more than hope to get free candy and the ability to fly door to door doesn’t hurt.

It seems the children of our nation may be on to something. Recent polling is starting to show that a growing number of Americans are already tired of their Obama suits, even though they enthusiastically tried them on at the beginning of the campaign.

One Kentucky native says, “This thing was supposed to ‘fill a hole in my soul’ when I put it on. At first I thought it was working because I started to feel all fuzzy. Then I realized that was just my right leg falling asleep. It fit a little tight.”

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Bolton Bolts UN, President Nominates Juan Dolton for New Ambassador

2006-12-04T14:49:00.000-08:00

John Bolton's resignation as Ambassador to the United Nations comes at a time when it is clear his "combative" style would have undoubtedly kept the Senate from confirming his temporary appointment before it expires in a few weeks.

President Bush says he is sorry to see Bolton leave, but is excited to nominate a "completely different" individual for the ambassadorship. "I am giving the Senate a radically different nominee in Juan Dolton. I am confident that the Senate leadership will see that he is the right man for the job and confirm him quickly."

(Juan Dolton, the President's new nominee, is touted as a kind hispanic man who gets along with everyone, especially leaders and dignitaries from other countries.)

Senator Lincoln Chafee says Mr. Dolton looks like a promising candidate for UN Ambassador. "Right when I first laid eyes on him, I thought to myself, 'this is a man who will help repair our image in the eyes of the world'." said Chafee of Juan Dolton.

Even though next to nothing is known about Mr. Dolton's background, aside from his hispanic heritage, Democrat Senators seem to like what they see. Senator Joe Biden, future Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee summed up the general feelings by stating, "This time the President's nominee is a complete reversal from his previous idea of what a UN Ambassador should look like. I think that is a good thing."

When Mr. Dolton was approached by the White House press on the subject, he simply felt above his upper lip and began to cry, presumably because he was so gratified by the nomination.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Blah, Blah, Blah.

New Ambassador to Iran: OJ Simpson

2006-11-27T16:23:00.000-08:00

As your future President, I understand the importance of talking. Not only the words you say, but you who you decide to say them to, and (sometimes most importantly) who you send to say them. The big "who's not talking to who" controversy in the international relations playground at the moment is undoubtedly between Iran and the US.

The main question everyone is asking is, "Should we talk to Iran?". However, I think the more important question is, "Who should we send to talk to Iran?". If I were President (don't be confused, I WILL be President in 2020, but am not at the moment), I would appoint OJ Simpson as Ambassador to Iran to engage in direct talks.

Ambassador Simpson's recent book, If I Did It, this is how I would have killed the mother of my children demonstrates the talking skills necessary to converse effectively with the crazed regime of Iran.

After discussing this proposition with OJ himself, he relayed to me his vision for how the conversations would go between himself and Iranian President Ahmadinejad. Here's what he said:

OJ: "Essentially, I would not kill him."

Your Future President: "That's it?"

OJ: "Not really, I mean, we would talk, I would tell him what I
would do to him but that would be purely hypothetical, just like my book."

Your Future President: "There are alot of people who think simply talking to a mad man that denies the holocaust and murders jews without thinking is a waste of time."

OJ: *laugh*

Your Future President: "Why are you laughing?"

OJ: "You should definitely give me this job. This ADing Job speaks my language."

Your Future President: "It's Ahmadinejad."

OJ: "Get it. He kills Jews. Ron Goldman."

Your Future President: "Right."

OJ: *laugh*

Your Future President: "OK. How would you reach an understanding that would promote stability in the middle east, and how would you be sure any such agreement could be enforced."

OJ: "Look, I'm not going to kill the guy, alright? Whoever does that has way smaller hands than I do. All I'm going to do is talk to him in hypotheticals, just like my book."

Your Future President: "Perfect. You're the new Iranian Ambassador. Or at least you would be if I was President."

OJ: "Killer!"

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Let's Drink to the New Religion of Peace

2006-11-16T14:32:00.000-08:00

Today a leader of a respected religion with a long and rich history, engaged in some peaceful protest against America's President. (The President now, in 2006, not to be confused with the future President, me.)

From the AP:

Ki Gendeng Pamungkas slit the throat of a goat, a small snake and stabbed a black crow in the chest, stirred their blood with spice and broccoli before drank the "potion" and smeared some on his face.

"I don't hate Americans, but I don't like Bush," said Pamungkas, who believed the ritual would succeed as, "the devil is with me today."

This exercise of hatred-free speech was intended to possess the President's Secret Service detail and wreak havoc on his visit to Indonesia. The black magic practioner went on to clarify his actions by stating, "I am doing voodoo because other ritual would not work." To emphasize this point, his eyes rolled back into his head as he yelled like a banchee.

As your future President, I feel it is my duty to spot the next emerging peaceful religion that America must reach out to. That religion is voodoo.

Witch Doctors have a commendable tradition of meeting the medical needs of their people, exhibiting bold leadership, and displaying a sensitivity to children by making dolls. They also massacre innocent animals as a matter of course and frequently call upon Satan to eat the souls of random people's children and grandchildren.

The large majority of voodoo practioners want nothing but to live peaceful lives worshiping satan and drinking blood. America has a deep respect for peaceful religions of this kind, and we must have a policy in 2020 that exhibits this respect.

Therefore, I believe America should reward Voodoo practioners with vast quantities of their drink of choice when they display cultural diversity by holding these type of peaceful activities aimed at America.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Lessons in Presidential Style: In 2020 it will be Cool to be President

2006-11-14T12:33:00.000-08:00

"The Administration." No term conjurs up duller presidential imagery than this phrase. In many ways the Office of the President has become nothing more than just that, an office. A hive of accountant types who can only aspire to be 'competent' because no grander vision is in sight.

This view of our highest office has to change. The presidential mindset of trickle down doldrums must be replaced with some cool, some style, some individuality.

The American people are sick of President after President presenting an image of red tie, white shirt, blue suit after red tie, white shirt, blue suit in press conference after press conference.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not calling for a change of color for the White House. There is something to be said for demanding a timeless, professional image from our Commander in Chief. God forbid a President offend or distract the nation by wearing a grey suit and a tie with some heart.

However, throughout history we have seen leadership at its peak when it sets the tone of not only our national discourse and government policy, but also in areas of style, persona, and individual taste. People want a President who is comfortable with who he (or she) is, not someone who chooses his ties and black wingtips based on the latest poll figures. I'm not calling for any false sartorial flair here. I'm simply acknowledging the fact that Presidential style should say something about who you are, not simply act as a blank slate.

The American people aren't inspired by competent Presidents, they are inspired by uniquely great people whom they have chosen to be President. No one wants an empty suit. That's why approval ratings go up when Presidents get out of the suit and into their own skin.

These are the types of images that give people hope, not the posed pictures behind the desk of the oval office.

A competent President strengthens the economy while wearing distraction-free ties. A great President is a great individual who inspires Americans to live better lives by portraying an image that America can aspire to.

When kids want to be like a President its not because of his economic policies or health care plan, its because of who he is. That's why America needs a President who is something other than just a health care plan in neutral business atire. America needs a President who is someone.

You see, Presidents, when remembered at their best, are never remembered in a suit. Their memory lives on in an image that portrays who they are. That is why books about Presidents almost always feature cover pictures of the Presidents in anything but the standard "Administration" garb.

A real leader doesn't have to aim for the middle of the road in order to give the people what they want, because he is strong enough to have what the people want and to be what the people want. That's style. That's individuality. That's cool. And that's exactly what America needs in a President.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Between Iraq and a Hard Place: "Dear Future President, What would you do in Iraq?"

2006-11-14T12:02:00.000-08:00

The issues of this moment in history will not be the issues of 2020. However, I believe it is important for me to comment on the most pressing issues of our time in order to display my core leadership philosophy. To this end, I will give a brief, substantive answer to the most perplexing question now facing our nation.

What should we do about Iraq?

Your Future President: This will take a 3 step approach.

1. We need to allow the Iraqi's to vote on whether or not America should stay. If they vote for our continued involvement (literally all polls show they would) we would have a new and strong mandate to rebuild the country, fight the terrorists there, and train their military. It would also increase support for our cause in other countries and would be a blow to the propaganda machine of the terrorists.

2. We must take advantage of this new surge of support to increase our troop levels significantly and use extreme measures to fight and kill the terrorists. There would be a window of opportunity after the election to fight a non-politically correct war. After brief and intense action, we would then need to declare victory after some measure (any concrete measure) has been met and pull out significant numbers of troops.

3. We should take lots of their oil.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Endangered Species in 2020

2006-11-13T14:15:00.000-08:00

This world we live in is made up of living things. As your President in 2020, I understand that it is my job to protect them. All of them.

An important skill in executing this role effectively is being able to spot what species in our eco-system are at risk before they are truly in danger of extinction. If our environmental policies continue as they are today, there is a species out there that must be put on the endangered species list in 2020 so that we can take the necessary steps to protect it.

While there are very strict guidelines that must be met before the necessary license to hunt and kill this species is obtained, it is not enough. We need to raise awareness of the threat to our eco-system.

Logging companies like Weyerhauser are required to plant a new tree for every one they cut down in order to sustain the tree population. In relation to this species which will be endangered by 2020, however, we are not following this example. Studies show that while more and more are being killed in America, less and less are being sustained and encouraged.

Critics of these types of efforts to protect and sustain our world cite the fact that costs would go up and that modern conveniences would have to be forgone in exchange for "the wishes of a few species huggers."

However, I believe our environment is important and that we need to look to the longterm effects of our decisions.

Therefore, Babies must be placed on the endangered species list if these trends continue into 2020.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Election Analysis: 'It's all about the Children'

2006-11-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

The election is over. Some of you are enthused, some of you are depressed, and some of you are flat out confused. To those of you who are a bit perlexed, please stop flooding me with emails asking if I won the election yesterday. I appreciate your stupidity, but I am campaigning for the 2020 Presidential election. The current election was for the year 2006 and it was a midterm election, but thank you for your interest in my campaign.

Now, the big story of this year's midterm election was, suprisingly, not my candicacy, but instead the Republicans' failure to energize an important demographic of the country. The Democrats on the other hand had a better grasp of this certain voting block's interests and implemented a forward thinking campaign to reach them.

Who are these Americans who made such a drastic impact at the polls yesterday? You guessed it! Children between the ages of 4 1/2 and 6 years old.

Kissing babies is a political tradition that is to be ignored at any candidate's peril, and the Democrats have been historically better at getting out the child vote.

For instance, there is no doubt that the Democrats' effort 14 years ago to implement the school lunch program was engineered to give them a landslide victory this election cycle. This, my fellow Americans, was sheer genius. Not only are children at their formulative years early on in life, but they also know how to manipulate their parents into doing what they want during this "cute" stage. You can't talk to an average voter on the street without at least one musing on how one issue or another will affect his children's future.

Therefore, a campaign strategy that ignores these longterm (when the children grow old enough to vote), and short term (the children's influence over their voting parents) benefits is destined for failure. Smart candidates get the message out to the children when they are young, even though half the pay off comes years down the road when they become 18.

I am glad I have learned this lesson now, instead of finding out the hard way in 2020. The fact is that the American child's strong influence on our election process is yet another indicator of my assured victory in 2020. By beginning my campaign 14 years before the election, I am in a position to frame the debate in the minds of our young people in a way that will stick with them until they are old enough to vote. When my opponent tries to persuade them differently at the last minute, these childrens' one time pliable minds will already be firmly made up.

With this goal in mind, I have a 3 step strategy to gaining the 4 1/2 to 6 year old child vote in 2020.

1. Create a video game that features me, Brian, as a hero President deftly defeating bad guys to hand out to kids during rallies and what not.

2. Run tv ad's that feature puppets, whimsical music, and small words that describe my platform.

3. Refrain from doing anything that makes me seem creepy.

I am sure you will agree that, if used in the early stages of the campaign, this is a full-proof way to win the election 14 years from now.

In 2020, you need a President who knows how to learn from history and adapt for the future. This election cycle I have taken lessons from the Democrat victory and the Republican losses. If you want this type of lucid mental prowess leading our great country, all you need to do is...

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian for President, 2020.

"An Electronic Voting Machine Stole My Wallet"

2006-11-06T10:41:00.000-08:00

Rep. Nancy Pelosi's recent comments outing "untrustworthy" electronic voting machines, have given hope to dozens of victims and their families who now have the confidence to come forward with stories like this one:

"Me and my wife were walking back to our car after hearing the Seattle Symphony, when an electronic voting machine started hurling rude remarks at my wife. I didn't want to start a physical confrontation so we just tried to ignore it. I can't believe this is the same type of electronic voting machine that I'm supposed to trust with my vote."

This is not an isolted event. Today, Sheriff's Departments from around the country have been flooded with reports of incidents, everything from public obscenity to identity theft, dating back several months that allegedly involved electronic voting machines. One deputy says, "Apparently, no one thought that we would believe them, but when Nancy Pelosi made her comments, I think people finally were given some hope that maybe their stories would be believed. That's why some of these offenses were not reported sooner."

Some groups claim that electronic voting machines are, on the whole, peaceful and law abiding. However, even amongst the machines with no criminal charges, there are rising instances of "push voting", where an electronic voting machine will persuade Americans in the polling booth to vote one way or another by guilt or fear.

The Better Business Buearu is also advising individuals to refrain from entering into partnerships or other buisness relationships with electronic voting machines stating they "simply can't be trusted."

This is a serious problem. Under our current laws, inanimate objects cannot be prosecuted which only emboldens electronic voting machines to act increasingly deviant year after year. This must be changed in 2020, or we will continue to see stories like this one from Baton Rogue.

"I was all set to go national and franchise my business. An electronic voting machine said he would provide all funding and paper work for the franchise for only a 2% share. How could I pass that up? What I didn't know is that it was transferring all ownership of the franchise to itself to the point where I was completely disenfranchised. I've never met a machine so heartless."

Don't let it happen to you...

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

The Negative Ad is a Passing Fad

2006-11-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

My Fellow Americans,

Negative attack campaign advertising has become all too prevalent in our elections. Everyone condemns these practices, but no one has come up with a solution...until now.

I pledge to not only refrain from running a negative campaign against my opponent in 2020, but I will take it to the next level and run a POSITIVE campaign that praises my opponents accomplishments.

I have created the type of campaign advertising America wants. Please watch the below TV spot and be refreshed by a positive campaign ad for a change.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian for President, 2020.

Presidential Brows

2006-11-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

You may not realize it, but one of the most important weapons in the arsenal of Presidential skills is the brow. More specificially the 'eye' brow.

Whether you are brow beating foreign leaders in a persuasive yet respectful way or showing sympathy for a senior citizen on a fixed income, the brow is the thing. Especially in the era of television close ups, the eye brows set the tone, the mood. One wrong brow gesture and you can give a sense of weakness, insincerity or confusion. While sometimes a single gesture of the brow can engender support for a crucial issue or even win a cold war. ("Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.")

Whether we are willing to admit it to ourselves or not, Americans will not suffer a President with a poor command of eye brow technique. Be assured that, in 2020, I will be a President with eye brows that act in harmony with my statements and are tactically used to promote American interests in any situation.

Let's look at some examples:

This is my favorite. Just look at the complex emotions being displayed and note how they all come together to create one clear vision for the moment. If these eyebrows don't bring tears to your eyes while simultaneously giving you strength, you must be a communist.

This comparison shows exactly why President Bush was elected over Kerry. The Senator couldn't come up with anything more than soft and uncommital brow gestures. For the most part our current President sets a good mood of a thoughtful and sincere resolve (even if it is a bit 2 dimensional in comparison to Reagan), and therefore came out the victor.

President Clinton, despite all his faults, understood the importance of the brows. Here he is making sure his are up to the task before he makes a speech.

America needs a staunch set of brows behind the bully pulpit in 2020. That is what I will provide and that is why you must...

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

When Botching a Joke, Make Sure that Joke is a Funny Joke

2006-10-31T17:48:00.000-08:00

I have an important pledge to make: When I am President in 2020 I will not make myself look like a bumbling, troglodyte moron every time I open my mouth. I will also only make jokes that make sense, and are funny. Very funny.

Wanna-be President John Kerry (not to be confused with Soon-to-be President me) said today that there are only uneducated failures in our Armed Forces. But he won't apologize for it. No, wait, I mean he didn't mean what he said. What he meant to say is that Bush is an uneducated failure who got us into Iraq. And he won't apologize for what he meant to say but didn't say, and of which statement had he said what he apparently meant to say but didn't no one would have cared about it in the first place.

Confused? Here's exactly what he said, but didn't mean to say: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you dont, you get stuck in Iraq."

You don 't have to be a future President to know what he said, but apparently you do have to be a failed wanna-be President to know what he really meant to say but didn't. He just meant to make a joke about how stupid and uneducated Bush is!

I'm not especially concerned about John Kerry's wrong-headed and idiotic view of our troops. Mainly because he's already obsolete now and definitely won't be an issue in 2020. What I'm truly disgusted with is how un-funny his joke would have been had he said it the way he apparently meant to say it.

Get ready to insert the laugh track after this sentence...

(John Kerry speaking to college students) "You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don't you get 'US' stuck in Iraq."

If that is the joke John Kerry meant to say but didn't, shame on him! I don't even get it. Number one, he didn't even mention Bush, but simply threw in an implied caricature out of the blue. It's like my Grandma who carrys on a conversation in her head and then simply continues talking out loud when she picks up the phone to answer my call as if I know where she's coming from. I don't know if you would have even associated Bush with his statement without reading a press release about the joke afterwards. I mean, what kind of punchline is that? Punchline's need to be obvious right when you deliver them. Equating not being educated with being elected President of the United States over the guy who is claiming to be smart and telling the joke doesn't make any sense.

Here's what he should have said:(John Kerry speaking to college students) "George Bush walks into a bar.. and the bartender says, 'Get out of here!' and Bush says, 'I can't, I'm stuck.' and the bartender says, 'Stuck in what?' , and Bush says, 'Iraq'."

Instead we've got a jokester with terrible material who throws a pie in the face of a brave soldier instead of the President standing next to him, but self-righteously won't apologize because the rest of us rubes should have know he was aiming at the other guy. If the joke made any sense and was funny to begin with he might have gotten away with it.

My jokes will be funny and supportive of the troops. Vote for me in 2020.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian for President in 2020.

We Must Stop Negotiating with Bears

2006-10-31T12:13:00.000-08:00

Bear Slayer, an American patriot, posed a question that touches upon the core of what my candidacy is all about: "What about Bears?" This is such an important question that I am posting my response for all America to see.

Dear Bear Slayer, American Patriot,

Thank you for being a forward thinker. Bears are a real problem. However, today in 2006 our leaders will not acknowledge it. I will. When 2020 rolls around, Bears will have terrorized our fruited plains to the point where the problem can not be ignored.

I agree that we need a effective plan to counteract these large, citizen devouring fiends. I propose a 3 step strategy. One that is simple and does not pull any punches.

1. Provide Incentives for Bear Slayers like yourself.
- I believe in individual freedom and small government. Therefore, the first thing the government needs to do in addressing savage bears is to get out of the way. Provide FREE hunting licenses for the clear minded Americans who see the threat to our country and are willing to act. Do not require permits or collect tax on firearms that are designed to take down the beasts threatening our communities. Indeed, the danger has become so great (and will be greater in 2020) that a $1000 tax credit for proof of a killed bear is essential.

2. Implement the "Teddy Bears want to eat your face off" Advertising Campaign.
- America will not be safe until every bus and billboard is adorned with educational material that states, in terms that even our children can understand, the dire consequences of bear appeasement. We must purge the naive notions concerning bears out of the minds of the next generation. Also, Smokey the Bear must be charged with treason. Statitics show that for every person who has died of a forest fire, there are 4.7 children who are killed by bears because they did not hold the appropriate respect for this enemy.

3. Fight on the Bears Soil, so that they don't attack us on ours.
- Most importantly, we have to take this fight to the bears. Simply protecting our neighborhoods with a policing mentality is not enough. The best defense is a good offense. When I am President I will appoint the top Special Forces teams to systematically fight the bears where they train and prepare their next attack: In the woods. We have superior airpower and warfare technology, why are we not using it against the bears?

Thank you for your insightful question. You are a true patriot. Do not lose your resolve, Bear Slayer. All will be made right in 2020, as long as you..

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian for President, 2020.

A President for Our Children

2006-10-30T14:55:00.000-08:00

Shortly after I announced my candidacy little Tiffany told me she would be casting the very first vote of her life for me in 2020. I will not let her down.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian for President in 2020.

The World's Tallest Building...is in Dubai? Neat! Now Let's Let them Run our Ports.

2006-10-30T12:59:00.000-08:00

Pop Quiz: Is it better to construct tall buildings or blow them up?

From the UAE in Dubai who brought us the "Dubai Port's Deal Histeria" comes a really, really big building.

From the AP:

Slated to become the world's tallest skyscraper and symbol of a city given to grandiose projects, "Burj Dubai," or Dubai Tower, is rising in parallel with the profits of its promoter, Emaar Properties.

With two stories added every week, Burj Dubai is taking shape as the centerpiece of a 20-billion-dollar venture featuring the construction of a new district, "Downtown Burj Dubai," that will house 30,000 apartments and the world's largest shopping mall.

In answer to the super easy pop quiz above it is always better to create than destroy. A more difficult question becomes, is it better to encourage and associate with the few creators among the destroyers or alienate them by lumping them all together in arab-phobia? Yes, I am harkening back to the Dubai Ports deal fiasco of months ago. (When you're running a 12 year campaign, a few months does not make old news, relatively speaking.)

The UAE (is full of scary arabs!) is actually making major advances in their region. And they seem to be pretty good at it. Maybe they would be pretty good at handling, not our port security, but the logistics of port management too. Especially since we regularly entrust that aspect of our ports to companies in other countries.

I believe part of the global struggle against radical islam is not only to kill and diminish the influence of the crazies, but to encourage those who don't want to live in the stone age. You see, jihadists exchange big buildings and dishwashers for big bombs, dirty cave hideouts and irrational hatred. Bad choice, I agree. But why lump the industries of advancement and civilization with the cavemen in our foreign policy decisions? Shouldn't we encourage the UAE to keep building stuff? I think so. Because when you encourage creativity, productivity, and modernization in the region chiefly responsible for breeding terrorists, good things will happen in the long run.

At least the UAE and their big buildings give would-be terrorists a choice in lifestyles. If they make the right one, it'd be nice if they could go to sleep on a soft pillow in their apartment on the 800th story of the biggest building in the world and know that America is treating them differently than the hatefilled terrorist in the caves of the bordering country.

If you don't get that, wait until 2020 and it will all make sense. And then vote for me for President.

Because not every Arab is a scary Arab. And not everyone will be President in 2020. Only me. Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Vote Early and Vote Often... by visiting my blog.

2006-10-30T12:11:00.000-08:00

As your President in 2020 I will be a dynamic leader working for positive change. I will uphold American values. I will fix all those problems created by whoever it is that will be President before I am 12 years from now.

Before I kick of the campaign, however, you are probably asking yourself a few important questions. I will answer them quickly so that we can move on to real issues.

Q1. Why not just run in '08 if you're so great?
A. Our United States Constitution requires a President to be 35 years old. While I am absolutely qualified to be President even at this moment in my young life, I respect the Constitution.

Q2. Why are you starting your campaign so early?
A. (Pay attention: this is where you get an inkling of the genius that I will bring to the presidency.) On my campaign blog I will comment on the issues of today with an eye on 2020. So by the time 2020 gets here, every American will be able to look back and see how right I have been about absolutely everything, will marvel at my visionary blogesque leadership, and will all but beg me to be President in 2020. In short, by the time 2020 comes, you will be able to look at this blog and wish that I had been the President for the past 18 years.

Q3. How on earth can I vote for you if I don't even know your last name?
A. Frankly, as I begin to show the widespread appeal of my ideas, President skills, and uncanny vision for Great America: 2020, it will not be safe for me out there. There are those who would stop me from being President before I have even begun. Unfortunately, there is no Secret Service detail for future Presidents. Therefore, my identity must remain secret for the time being.

Vote early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.