The Ocean "unsure" of an Obama Presidency

In the Boston Globe today stories of "Massive, Mysterious Waves" at a Marine Harbor give the first indication of how The Oceans will vote in this year's election.

An excerpt from the story reads:

"Dockworker Marcy Ingall saw a giant wave in the distance last Tuesday afternoon and stopped in her tracks. It was an hour before low tide in Maine's Boothbay Harbor, yet without warning, the muddy harbor floor suddenly filled with rushing, swirling water.

In 15 minutes, the water rose 12 feet, then receded. And then it happened again. It occurred three times, she said, each time ripping apart docks and splitting wooden pilings.

"It was bizarre," said Ingall, a lifelong resident of the area. "Everybody was like, 'Oh my God, is this the end?' " It was not the apocalypse, but it was a rare phenomenon, one that has baffled researchers. The National Weather Service said ocean levels rapidly rose in Boothbay, Southport, and Bristol in a matter of minutes around 3 p.m. on Oct. 28 to the surprise of ocean watchers. Exactly what caused the rogue waves remains unknown."

Until now.

We have finally heard from the Ocean that caused the wave. This communication not only provides an explanation to the mysterious, massive waves, but it is the first time this monstrous body of water has made its views known on the presidential race.

"I just couldn't remain silent any longer." the Ocean said to reporters, "This close to election day, I had to let my voice be heard, and massive, mysterious waves seemed to be the only way to do that."

When pushed for more details the Ocean replied, "Obama has been talking about me one way in some places and another way in others. What is the truth Senator? Are you going to protect me, or as you said in your nomination speech 'cause the rise of the Ocean to slow'? How can I trust you and your changing policies?"

Political analysts from both campaigns have often contemplated whether Obama's plan for a recession of the Ocean and it's power would have an negative impact on Obama's image "amongst the face of the waters", but no one expected such vocal opposition.

"The American dream is to grow and be successful, not to have my resources taken from me just because I'm bigger than some people want me to be." The Ocean continued.

The Obama campaign's official statement is that, though his official policy is to take the Ocean into a recession, he will also spend more money cleaning oil spills.

The Ocean made no further comments aside from wrecking 3 other docks with "freak waves" and swallowing several yachts that sported Obama stickers.



Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Colin Powell FINALLY makes up his mind; Endorses Obama

Two weeks before election day, Colin Powell has finally decided who he is going to vote for according to the AP. General Powell has been lauded as one of the premier statesman of our generation, but now he is taking heat for what analysts and historians are saying may be the "slowest decision ever made in his professional life".

While polls show that there are a number of undecided voters, experts were shocked to hear that General Powell fell into this category for so long, since the undecided voter demographic consists almost exclusively of ignoramuses and intellectual dimwits.

John Harkner, a professor at UCLA had a common reaction when he heard the news, exclaiming, "This election started earlier, and has been publicized more than any Presidential election to date... what took him so long to make up his mind? I know none of us are getting younger, but this is embarrassing."

The news of Powell's ultra-slow answer to a two-option multiple choice question did seem to give hope to the remaining undecided voters that were asked to comment.

Abe, an undecided voter from Deluth told a reporter in response to General Powell's decision: "Who's Colin Powell?"

After the reporter tried at length to describe the former secretary of state to Abe, he finally resorted to the description "he's black, too" to which Abe replied, "What do you mean black 'too', black like who else?"



Rick, a decided voter and Obama supporter from Spokane, WA, responded to Powell's procrastination by saying, "It took him that long? The difference between the candidates is night and day. How long do you need to decide?"

Rick was not available for further comment as he was immediately arrested by local police for a hate crime due to his use of the term "night and day".

Colin Powell himself responded to questions as to the tardiness of his decision by saying, "I'd like to wait until after the election to vote for whoever wins the presidential race, but then my vote would not be counted. Also, Sarah Palin is the devil."

This story is extremely relavant to my campaign. The mentality of undecided voters has become one of my major studies, as very, very, very early polling shows that (apart from readers of this blog) 100% of registered voters remain undecided for the presidential election for 2020. Do not be one of those 100%.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Is Barrack Obama Really an Empty Suit?

On the eve of both Halloween and the 2008 Presidential election, no question is more relevant.

“We don’t know anything about him." “He doesn’t have any experience.” “He’s an empty suit.”

We’ve all heard these comments aimed at Presidential Candidate Barrack Obama (candidate in 2008, not to be confused with my 2020 race).

However, I am taking repose from my year long hiatus on the campaign trail for President in 2020 to clear this up once and for all:

Is Barrack Obama an empty suit? Absolutely not.

Every time you see a Barrack Obama suit it is definitely full, and it is usually filled with an idiot.

Stop screaming at me, I am not saying Barrack Obama is an idiot. No, no. The suit is well designed, repeals every political attack, has a slimming effect, and almost makes you African-American.

Just listen to these testimonials:


“From the moment I put on my Barrack Obama suit, it was like I was new person. It just took all the values that I already had and made them Politically Correct. I feel so good that I haven’t been to work in 6 weeks!”
Jan Addison, Tennessee


“It’s great because if you’re conservative or a liberal or whatever, it doesn’t really matter. He’s one size fits all.”
Jacob Taffy, Portland, OR


“We can, like, turn back the tide of global warming, just by, like, wearing it, ya know?”
Tracy Peterson and Ginnie Besdale, California

There have been suits like this before. Most recently in the film adaptation of Ironman where Robert Downey, Jr. wore a suit that allowed him to fly, fire weapons, and made him impervious to most attacks. However, experts agree that in a hand to hand combat the Obama suit would easily come out victorious over the Iron Man suit and most suits with superpowers from the recent past.




As one anonymous expert stated, “The Ironman suit is essentially one man…in a suit. The Barrack Obama suit, however, can be anyone and everyone no matter what your positions are. Ironman’s neighbor could be wearing an Obama suit and he wouldn’t even know it until he was called a racist. I really like Ironman and all, but there’s no contest.”

Surprisingly, children between the ages of 3 and 13 are the one demographic still flocking to Ironman suits for Halloween in spite of expert opinion. The most recent data shows that, 26 to 1, children favor dressing up as Ironman as opposed to Obama for trick or treating. Most children, when asked, attribute their decision to the fact that Ironman is flying when they see him on TV and Obama is usually just talking to old people or looking like a “dork” in a hard hat, walking in slow motion. Apparently it takes more than hope to get free candy and the ability to fly door to door doesn’t hurt.

It seems the children of our nation may be on to something. Recent polling is starting to show that a growing number of Americans are already tired of their Obama suits, even though they enthusiastically tried them on at the beginning of the campaign.


One Kentucky native says, “This thing was supposed to ‘fill a hole in my soul’ when I put it on. At first I thought it was working because I started to feel all fuzzy. Then I realized that was just my right leg falling asleep. It fit a little tight.”



Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Bolton Bolts UN, President Nominates Juan Dolton for New Ambassador

John Bolton's resignation as Ambassador to the United Nations comes at a time when it is clear his "combative" style would have undoubtedly kept the Senate from confirming his temporary appointment before it expires in a few weeks.

President Bush says he is sorry to see Bolton leave, but is excited to nominate a "completely different" individual for the ambassadorship. "I am giving the Senate a radically different nominee in Juan Dolton. I am confident that the Senate leadership will see that he is the right man for the job and confirm him quickly."

(Juan Dolton, the President's new nominee, is touted as a kind hispanic man who gets along with everyone, especially leaders and dignitaries from other countries.)









Senator Lincoln Chafee says Mr. Dolton looks like a promising candidate for UN Ambassador. "Right when I first laid eyes on him, I thought to myself, 'this is a man who will help repair our image in the eyes of the world'." said Chafee of Juan Dolton.

Even though next to nothing is known about Mr. Dolton's background, aside from his hispanic heritage, Democrat Senators seem to like what they see. Senator Joe Biden, future Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee summed up the general feelings by stating, "This time the President's nominee is a complete reversal from his previous idea of what a UN Ambassador should look like. I think that is a good thing."

When Mr. Dolton was approached by the White House press on the subject, he simply felt above his upper lip and began to cry, presumably because he was so gratified by the nomination.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Blah, Blah, Blah.

New Ambassador to Iran: OJ Simpson

As your future President, I understand the importance of talking. Not only the words you say, but you who you decide to say them to, and (sometimes most importantly) who you send to say them. The big "who's not talking to who" controversy in the international relations playground at the moment is undoubtedly between Iran and the US.

The main question everyone is asking is, "Should we talk to Iran?". However, I think the more important question is, "Who should we send to talk to Iran?". If I were President (don't be confused, I WILL be President in 2020, but am not at the moment), I would appoint OJ Simpson as Ambassador to Iran to engage in direct talks.

Ambassador Simpson's recent book, If I Did It, this is how I would have killed the mother of my children demonstrates the talking skills necessary to converse effectively with the crazed regime of Iran.

After discussing this proposition with OJ himself, he relayed to me his vision for how the conversations would go between himself and Iranian President Ahmadinejad. Here's what he said:

OJ: "Essentially, I would not kill him."

Your Future President: "That's it?"

OJ: "Not really, I mean, we would talk, I would tell him what I
would do to him but that would be purely hypothetical, just like my book."

Your Future President: "There are alot of people who think simply talking to a mad man that denies the holocaust and murders jews without thinking is a waste of time."

OJ: *laugh*

Your Future President: "Why are you laughing?"

OJ: "You should definitely give me this job. This ADing Job speaks my language."

Your Future President: "It's Ahmadinejad."

OJ: "Get it. He kills Jews. Ron Goldman."

Your Future President: "Right."

OJ: *laugh*

Your Future President: "OK. How would you reach an understanding that would promote stability in the middle east, and how would you be sure any such agreement could be enforced."

OJ: "Look, I'm not going to kill the guy, alright? Whoever does that has way smaller hands than I do. All I'm going to do is talk to him in hypotheticals, just like my book."

Your Future President: "Perfect. You're the new Iranian Ambassador. Or at least you would be if I was President."

OJ: "Killer!"

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Let's Drink to the New Religion of Peace

Today a leader of a respected religion with a long and rich history, engaged in some peaceful protest against America's President. (The President now, in 2006, not to be confused with the future President, me.)

From the AP:

Ki Gendeng Pamungkas slit the throat of a goat, a small snake and stabbed a black crow in the chest, stirred their blood with spice and broccoli before drank the "potion" and smeared some on his face.

"I don't hate Americans, but I don't like Bush," said Pamungkas, who believed the ritual would succeed as, "the devil is with me today."

This exercise of hatred-free speech was intended to possess the President's Secret Service detail and wreak havoc on his visit to Indonesia. The black magic practioner went on to clarify his actions by stating, "I am doing voodoo because other ritual would not work." To emphasize this point, his eyes rolled back into his head as he yelled like a banchee.

As your future President, I feel it is my duty to spot the next emerging peaceful religion that America must reach out to. That religion is voodoo.


Witch Doctors have a commendable tradition of meeting the medical needs of their people, exhibiting bold leadership, and displaying a sensitivity to children by making dolls. They also massacre innocent animals as a matter of course and frequently call upon Satan to eat the souls of random people's children and grandchildren.

The large majority of voodoo practioners want nothing but to live peaceful lives worshiping satan and drinking blood. America has a deep respect for peaceful religions of this kind, and we must have a policy in 2020 that exhibits this respect.

Therefore, I believe America should reward Voodoo practioners with vast quantities of their drink of choice when they display cultural diversity by holding these type of peaceful activities aimed at America.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Lessons in Presidential Style: In 2020 it will be Cool to be President

"The Administration." No term conjurs up duller presidential imagery than this phrase. In many ways the Office of the President has become nothing more than just that, an office. A hive of accountant types who can only aspire to be 'competent' because no grander vision is in sight.

This view of our highest office has to change. The presidential mindset of trickle down doldrums must be replaced with some cool, some style, some individuality.

The American people are sick of President after President presenting an image of red tie, white shirt, blue suit after red tie, white shirt, blue suit in press conference after press conference.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not calling for a change of color for the White House. There is something to be said for demanding a timeless, professional image from our Commander in Chief. God forbid a President offend or distract the nation by wearing a grey suit and a tie with some heart.

However, throughout history we have seen leadership at its peak when it sets the tone of not only our national discourse and government policy, but also in areas of style, persona, and individual taste. People want a President who is comfortable with who he (or she) is, not someone who chooses his ties and black wingtips based on the latest poll figures. I'm not calling for any false sartorial flair here. I'm simply acknowledging the fact that Presidential style should say something about who you are, not simply act as a blank slate.

The American people aren't inspired by competent Presidents, they are inspired by uniquely great people whom they have chosen to be President. No one wants an empty suit. That's why approval ratings go up when Presidents get out of the suit and into their own skin.

These are the types of images that give people hope, not the posed pictures behind the desk of the oval office.


A competent President strengthens the economy while wearing distraction-free ties. A great President is a great individual who inspires Americans to live better lives by portraying an image that America can aspire to.

When kids want to be like a President its not because of his economic policies or health care plan, its because of who he is. That's why America needs a President who is something other than just a health care plan in neutral business atire. America needs a President who is someone.

You see, Presidents, when remembered at their best, are never remembered in a suit. Their memory lives on in an image that portrays who they are. That is why books about Presidents almost always feature cover pictures of the Presidents in anything but the standard "Administration" garb.













A real leader doesn't have to aim for the middle of the road in order to give the people what they want, because he is strong enough to have what the people want and to be what the people want. That's style. That's individuality. That's cool. And that's exactly what America needs in a President.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.

Between Iraq and a Hard Place: "Dear Future President, What would you do in Iraq?"

The issues of this moment in history will not be the issues of 2020. However, I believe it is important for me to comment on the most pressing issues of our time in order to display my core leadership philosophy. To this end, I will give a brief, substantive answer to the most perplexing question now facing our nation.

What should we do about Iraq?

Your Future President: This will take a 3 step approach.

1. We need to allow the Iraqi's to vote on whether or not America should stay. If they vote for our continued involvement (literally all polls show they would) we would have a new and strong mandate to rebuild the country, fight the terrorists there, and train their military. It would also increase support for our cause in other countries and would be a blow to the propaganda machine of the terrorists.

2. We must take advantage of this new surge of support to increase our troop levels significantly and use extreme measures to fight and kill the terrorists. There would be a window of opportunity after the election to fight a non-politically correct war. After brief and intense action, we would then need to declare victory after some measure (any concrete measure) has been met and pull out significant numbers of troops.

3. We should take lots of their oil.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Brian in 2020.